your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
