i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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