Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I intend to get homeless drunk
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
