I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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