I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Vodka?
Forever.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
