Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
