The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Be still, my beating vagina.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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