yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
