'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I deserve this hangover.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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