ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
