i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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