he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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