Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
