Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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