thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
