Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
