You're so nebulous sometimes
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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