this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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