you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
