Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
