my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
