Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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