woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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