You can't motorboat a personality
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
