She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
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