just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So apparently I’m into choking now
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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