Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
