He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i wish my penis had a tongue
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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