There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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