if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
FUCK WHALES
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
