Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
