i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
