I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
