oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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