Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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