I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
