i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
