How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize