Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
