If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize