farters have to be the big spoon...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
