I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
