Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
