My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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