I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
