The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize