the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
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