operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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