last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Every concussion has its silver lining
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
