"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
