My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It's shark week go big or go home
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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