drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
