I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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