He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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