I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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