either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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