you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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