I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize