Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
