Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
FUCK WHALES
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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