remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
