Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
