Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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