I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
