Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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