He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
