If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
