Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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