they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
