Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
