I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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