Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
