The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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