Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
